How to Succeed as a Contestant on The Bachelor

By Nathalie Oates on February 20, 2013

Sean Lowe may or may not being wearing lip gloss in this stock photo, but he’s still worth competing for. (Photo by Kevin Foley/ABC)

For those of you who have been living under a rock, The Bachelor, is ABC’s premier dating reality show, now in its seventeenth season. Not only does it serve as the network’s sweet spot for ratings, but it also frequently makes for tweeting, blogging, and bracket-making fodder every Monday. The main appeal of the show is usually the bachelor himself; this season’s man of the hour(s) does not disappoint. Sean, a blonde-haired, blue-eyed businessman from Dallas who played DI football and works out for fun, is ideal. And watching crazy women fight over this super genuine guy (and the final rose) is amusing and not at all romantic. The idea of going on the show is pretty dreamy too. Lavish dates? Helicopter rides? A Neil Lane engagement ring? Proving that fairy tales come true on national television? If this sounds like an appealing career path for you, here are some tips on how to win over the next Bachelor:

1. Behave crazily, stare off into the distance, confuse the producers, get wasted, and hate on all the other girls. These are all possible ways to scare off the competition. As Lesley, bubbly lobbyist from Washington D.C., observed about this season’s villain, “We have a terrorist on our hands.”

2. Get super clingy on the first date. Great strategy: refer to the bachelor as “your husband” to his face.

3. Hold out on him. This is a strategic play. Play the virgin card. Of course, you can just lie. Talk about Jesus! Wear a promise ring! Maybe mention how noble Tim Tebow is for “waiting.” 

4. Stay faithful to your bachelor. Don’t make Rozlyn’s mistake two seasons ago.

5. Have perfect hair. This is a must.

6. Prepare some go-to answers to hard questions, but be spontaneous with delivery. This season, Lindsay has this in the bag. Example: Sean says, “Tell me something I don’t know.” Lindsay says, “I sleep naked.” She’s going to win this thing.

7. Be down to risk your life for the Bachelor. Group Dates, of course, revolve intimidating activities, because it’s all a test. When he suggests swimming with sharks, repelling off a cliff, or competing in roller derby, act chill, like you do these things all the time.

8. Have at least five emotional stories at the ready. More if you make it past hometown dates (you’ve got to reel in the bachelor’s parents too). Perfect to bring up during a dull moment on the one-on-one date, or if things get awkward in the fantasy suite. Anything having to do with poverty, lost love, death in the family, and philanthropy are good. Two weeks ago, Des told Sean she grew up in a trailer park and that was why she was super “humble.” Solid move. It was a visible turn-on and an easy way to grab that pity rose.

9. Don’t talk to the Bachelor about how crazy the other girls are. The truth is, HE DOESN’T CARE or believe you. And you’ll get sent home immediately. Bonus points to Catherine, the Seattle-based graphic designer, for committing to this early on.

10. Wear dramatic eye shadow that distracts everyone. Wear lots of neon accents, ill-fitting prom dresses, and strange hair accessories, such as the Bumpit, to stand out.

11. Come bearing symbolic gifts. A key chain you made for him. Some old family photos. A collage of both of your pictures glued together. Use an online age generation app to show him what your kids will look like. But not in a creepy way. A teddy bear from your childhood you thought he might appreciate?

12. Fake health emergencies to get his attention. But not too many that he starts to notice. Amazingly, this works! Ask Tierra.

13. Do not stress-eat in the house. People notice.

14.  Talk about why you want to be married, stat. Back it up with choice declarations such as “I want to be married to my best friend.” and “I am here for the right reasons.” Pull an Emily Maynard and discuss how you want to have kids “like yesterday.” Other winning romantic catchphrases: “I live life to the fullest.” and “I love love.” Both of those lines got ladies roses last week. Sad, but true.

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